In the beginning of the year I had no expectation about what I wanted out of life apart from immense happiness. I had gone through incredible pain, distraught, self doubt and betrayal in 2020, so when the person that used to be the most important person to me held my hand on the countdown to new year, I begged the Lord to have mercy on my heart this year and give me immense happiness, even of it felt like I was starting my life over again. I had ended an almost six year relationship, cut off some long time friendships that I knew needed to be gone like yesterday, quit a job that had me feeling like I was losing the few working brain cells that I had left. So I guess you can say 2020 was the year of "quitting". Usually when we use this word, it's always has the "starter pack to failure" tone but I didn't give a flying fuck about that. I wanted to be happy so bad, I didn't care that I was starting my life all over again, being an adult all by myself for the first time in my life, as a matter of fact, I can dare say, I was a little bit excited, could not wait to see what this new life had for me but damn! I was in for a huge surprise (lol, what is wrong with me and being a tad bit of a tv dramatic lately😂😂)
This is not one of those basic Hollywood motivation stories that will tell you, as long as you have identified the problems and the "rock to your balloon", make sure you cut them loose and your greatness will flow, right after that. I’m sorry to tell you or maybe I’m not but they lied! They failed to mention after identifying your external issues, you need to identify the internal issues too and those are the hardest. So I had a plan, I told myself that I needed to move forward, so in other to do that, I needed a new Job, I was already running out of the little savings I had from my previous demented job and I needed a job real quick and I was so sure that with all the Job experience I had and all the classes taken to better my skills, there should be one company out there waiting and itching for me to be their new content strategist. I was burning with knowledge that needed application, so LinkedIn became my best friend and there were quite a lot of job openings that I could comfortably fill, but exactly six months later, none of these companies felt the same. Yup! I was in the middle of the year, looking at the ceiling in my apartment after I had counted about eighty-five companies that I had sent my resume to and applied for a job, not caring if the job was advertised or not, I spent those six months crying almost everyday, asking God this was not the agreement we had, it doesn’t make any sense, I wrote web content for my former job that had people still leaving comments about how incredible my pieces were, I remember looking at Baecon and saying to him,
"But I know I have the talent, I know I have the work ethic, why has nobody contacted me yet for a job?",
I had a feeling this poor guy didn’t know what to tell me, because he has comforted me so many times, had his shirt stained with my tears, and even bribed me with food just so, I don’t let the overwhelming sadness of not having my own income consume me. I remember buying an expensive course to learn some new "money making business" that I knew deep down in my heart, it wasn’t for me, but anything for me not to be troubling my mum for pocket money all the time, woman has enough on her plate with my Grandma, and I’m older now, I couldn’t help but feel I should be less of a burden not more of it. I remember this neighbour of mine coming to me with a deal to get into his "pressing phone" business, cause I had an "appealing voice" he said. We’d split the profit, 70-30, I went back to my apartment asking myself if this is where I was willing to let my need to be independence push me to? he came back a week later and I told him, I was not interested, someone would have definitely said, I was a fool cause he was willing to negotiate the percentage but I could feel myself already losing myself just by considering it, my grandma used to say something when I was much younger,
"to do bad thing no dey hard, after that first one wey be like say, you wan die, you go think say the rest na moi-moi''
The expression is a little bit longer than that but that part covers what I was going through. I was busy telling myself "Precious, you have values and rules for a reason, don't forget it". I may not have forsaken my values at that point but I sure went on to throw my rules to the curb the night Baecon kissed me and I didn't pull back, what in Christ's Name was I thinking?! I went home to start talking to myself, like anhhh Precious, what are you doing?!! Have you lost your mind?! This was dangerous water but did that stop me? Hell No 😩😂😂😂😂😂. Beacon is special, so I think I would probably leave the story of how I went from going on horrible dates, meeting men who had only the sole purpose to "spoil me" to falling for someone that gave me back massages during my period and gave me forehead kisses whenever he was leaving me for a second. I am so easy abi? small massage o, lol, Jeey once said that I had the most weird taste in men, which is true but he is definitely not one to talk (scoof).
You are probably wondering, so you didn’t get a job? All those applications and Nothing? Umm not really😂. I had a weird ass video call interview from a travel company that I had sent my CV to, thanks to my lovely soul sister, Ene. And I got a call back for a physical interview that required me to travel, so I did and I got the job! What is funny is after I got that Job, I remembered telling God on the 1st of January that I wanted a Job in a travel company or fashion/lifestyle magazine, I tried for a good number of the magazines but no good response, this was the first travel company I had applied to and I got the Job, with all the benefits by the way, never had health insurance before😩, look at small me o, "chilling with the big boys" ( Yes! I said it, come and beat me😂). Started my job in August and it seemed like all the months of crying about no job simply just disappeared, like that craziness never happened.
As for the other plans I had, the Universe just keeps laughing at me because I can tell you, I will be graduating university this coming year, and I have plans to continue growing in my career, this has to be the most important thing to me right now but regarding matters of the heart, I still do not know what the heck I’m doing, and this may have been the reason to most of my tears this year, because I am stuck between doing what I feel is right for me and not hurting the people I care the most about, and this came to play some months back. I learned that one of my closest friends in school was just some back stabbing bitch, she was one of those people you make friends with in school when everyone still seems weird to you and you haven’t fully adjusted to your environment. The incident isn’t worth speaking about, I feel it’s cheap publicity for someone who doesn’t understand friendship or loyalty. I acted surprised when the incident occurred but I knew within myself that this was coming, I saw the signs and I even had the intention of cutting her off but she beat me to it and cut herself off and left with a bang if I must say(rolls eyes), What is funny though is that, we partied the night before, snuck in really bad alcohol to the party that came with its own alcohol and I cheered so loud for her when she got into crazy competitions and she looked at me all through the night, with no shame, knowing that by morning, I will find out she threw me under the bus and lied about it. I cried, oh! don’t kid yourself, I didn’t cry for that nitwit, I cried for myself, for not listening to my intuition sooner when it kept screaming at me to let that that relationship loose, I was busy saying
"but she has not done anything major to me na"
so the universe gave me "something major", I guess I am telling this, because what that incident got me to do was push me to make a decision. Since, I have proven repeatedly that regarding matters of the heart, I can feel lost, the decision I made was that the only thing I will be doing in this situation is listening to my intuition, not listening to myself tell myself what I think is right, just listening to my intuition, it can get a little bit confusing, but I am getting the hang of it. Hopefully, it keeps leading me to the right decisions, right? False! About two weeks ago, I had the intuition to complete a story that I left years behind, a story that I thought was incomplete and that only taught me, not all stories are going to have a perfect ending, because to think of it, this story did end, I guess I was just the one who wasn't satisfied with "how" it ended, so I decided to be smart and re-write it, well I'm currently enraged with myself, so that should tell you how poking the bear played out.
In all of these lunacy, I am grateful. Grateful for friendship, because it played a major role in keeping my sanity this year. Grateful for love, a new sort of love that I see my mother trying to give, I see it when she has an opinion different from mine but makes the effort to listen and support mine because she is teaching herself to trust me as a young adult so that I can learn to start trusting myself more, especially when she is not there to help me make decisions. She is the one thing that I beg God to not take away from me, she is the only person that I feel is for me as I am for her. I am also grateful for the love of a man, I may not understand it yet but this love in Tumi's words
"gives you redness in your cheek, a sparkle in your eye, and childishness in your laugh" (I refined the English small but she did say that😂)
Letting myself enjoy this and live it, is part of letting myself live this life that I chose. There is nothing fun in thinking about an end to something you haven't even lived, so just like I said to myself on the countdown to this year, I choose to live first, be happy! and the rest will have to fall in place after that. Hopefully, I'll come back to tell you all about the goodness I gained in 2022 but also with stories that showed, I lived and that I chose my happiness every time I did, even when I knew it would be uncomfortable, I did it! I hope you do too, there is a happiness that comes with knowing, you choose to live.
As for me, I'll be raising my glass filled with my favourite wine, as the countdown ends I will be taking a sip to "living 2022!"
What is the one thing you’ll be doing this new year?
From the neighbourhood Fat girl
Have a wonderful new year 🎊
